My Heart— 404: File Not Found

2015-2025 was a lot. A whole decade filled with chasing something I thought was love. It wasn't.

So now I embark on a new journey; a new decadee; I get to live out a new story; character development or whatever.

If the desires of my heart accompany character development, whoopty do! I tried to walk into my blessing, unprepared, for so many years. My plan for the next decade is preparation.

A scripture that just came to mind, also came to mind last night. Idk the actual verse off the top of my head, but it could be a parable or a proverb or a psalm, and from my experiecnce with the bible, it could really be all three haha. The concept is: no one will be able to predict the day or time, not even the son, only the father in heaven knows; like a servant whose master is away on travel doesn't know the exact time the master will return, but he needs to be prepared so that whenever he does, he will be pleased upon his return. I'm going to pin that on the vision board.

Bc honestly, if he came in here and saw his home in the state I have it in, he will be less than pleased. Much is to be desired, even for me.

While that is worth acknowledgment, that is not exactly the direction today's read will follow.

I would tell myself, and still believe, that God must have such a special plan for my marriage, because if my first boyfriend had chosen me, I would've never turned away. If my second boyfriend had chosen me, I would have never turned away. If my third boyfriend had chosen me, I would have never turned away. You get the point. I never experienced crossing paths with anyone and have it just work. Until 2025; I engaged in a functioning relationship for most of the year. He chose me! But I even surprised myself with this one, because I did ultimately turn away.

This taught me a lot and glory to God for the experience fr.

A good reader wants the tea; a good thinker at least wants me to at least close the loop. I'll try to do both.

At some point in the relationship, I initiated a conversation. "I think that I'm not happy within myself."

( This clip got a A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE for me)

My thoughts: he's not doing anything outright wrong, but I'm not quite happy as I would imagine one should be within the first year of a romance. Sadly, I don't recall the conversation reaching much deeper into that thought. I believe that he had convinced himself that it would just happen someday, and at the time I misunderstood his delusion for a deep level of patience.

One time, at dinner, he told me about a dream where I confessed my love to him and told him how the thought of being his wife and the mother of his kids filled my heart with joy. I was waiting for him to get to the part where thats so crazy because I wouldn't say anything like that period. I'm just not that kind of girl.

Backstory:

About 3-4 years ago, I was on a Tim Ross and Grace For Purpose kick, I'd just got a job working at publix, fresh outta seasonal depression from the tumultuous school year I'd just had. Tim Ross was dropping a lot of heat and wisdom that I still carry. I'll never let y'all convince me to drag him lol.

He told a story about how he was at church for like New Year or Christmas or something, idk, and a woman approached him in great dismay because she always wanted to be a wife and a mother. She was in visible anguish over not accomplishing this milestone yet, and she was still on the mission for it. The Lord told Tim to tell her to let it go; put it down. He struggled with having to give the harsh word, put it had become a idol for her.

I understood and accepted that teaching.

Pastor Adrian Crawford, shoutout PAC! Once challenged us in The Nehemiah Institute, to consider what we most in this life, and to consider if we knew we would never have it, how our service and devotion to God might look.

Very necessarily humbling ideas to sit with.

So no, I do not think about how much I want to be a man's wife. To me, it's superficial. Could we respect and love each other and train children well, or build something meaningful in our community. Can we be partner in our individual purposes.. that all I care about when considering if I can be someone's wife.

My boyfriend at the time did not say anything to the effect of "you are nothing like this in real life so it kind of threw me off but maybe it's a sign hahaha". Nothing like that, he was so happy as if it were real.

Me, projecting: my thoughts– are that when I dream of the kind of relationship that I want with someone, and it doesn't align at all with the relationship I have with someone, that the relationship I want– is not the relationship that I am meant to have. I realized this in like high school. I had the hugest crush on this guy for years and one night I dreamed he was so into me, but he never showed me that kind of attention at all, and he never did.

So I say "it doesn't strike you as odd that I act nothing like that in real life? Like, I don't even see myself saying that."

Did not strike him as odd, which concerned me even more, naturally, especially given my preconceived notions about such dreams.

Rejection to make marriage an idol is a good justification for not wanting to be head over heels with the idea of being the wife of a tall, handsome, brown-skin, gorgeous-smile, ripped-body, caribbean-man, with a two-parent household, and married friends, who is handy, and kind, and loving, and umm... I think we lost the plot guys but just because my justification was valid. Does that mean I would truly never feel excited to be someone's wife and to start a family someday?

I had to ask myself, seriously, could I settle for what it is that I feel? More specifically, the lack thereof. Should I settle for what it is that I don't feel? The conclusion I came to was no, and that is why I walked away.

I have felt so free since I came to that realization and told him that I outgrew our relationship. I could have picked fights about the downs, and questioned the validity of the ups until one of us ended up blocking the other.

I think it's much more productive, however, to reflect beyond this moment in time. Prior to this, I had never chose and been chosen in return. What I wanted to happen finally happened, but it doesn't fit my identity. We took it to the tailor but the color wasn't like I'd dreamt of, so we changed that, and the material was abrasive and not sweat-wicking. Just not the best fit for my interests.

Where does this leave me in 2026?

I don't even want to look at men with the same lenses I've been using for the past 10 years. Eye exam bookie, we need new frames. Eyes gotta adjust.

Omg. Let me tell y'all one of thing I love. I see God in so many aspects of life its unfathomable at times, but he is so detailed. Once, as a kid in church, I was sitting in the pews and I was staring at the members of the choir (what an oddly spelled word, like I knew how to spell it but what is the origin? French? Why does it look like that?) (Some sources say greek, some say old french..)

But yea I was staring at them, and I grew up in this church had been attending for years by this point. But this day idk if I grew into my senses or what but their faces became so much clearer to me, like I always say them clearly but their faces became so much more detailed like I knew their faces well once, but now I was seeing them differently. I dont yet have the words to explain it in the most poetic and transcendent way but I never forgot that experience. It happened again today with someone. I thought, I always knew what you looked like, but now I see what your face actually looks like.

I mention that to usher in my thoughts of forbearance. My physical experience with 'seeing people in a new light' over time, with changed perpective, once layers shed and peel off. That's a fruit of the spirit I am lacking in BAD. It's honestly one I hardly think about but that's what God has walked me into with this experience.

OKAY, so I offer a cautious confession because I haven't a strong conviction about this yet; and to be clear, I don't find my hope in nor do I have an allegiance to my horoscope: I think CoStar is a great app, it's based in astrology, and I like it most for it's daily notifications.

To list some from my screenshots:

• You can't change what has happened, but you can learn from it

• A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor

• You need to be with someone who demands that you show up as your whole self

So, I saw something in December when browsing the app saying grasslover7's heart is racing, your heart is 404: file not found. It proceeded to list others but I'm self centered and didn't include that in my screenshot. Just included enough for context lol.

That is how I felt though and I don't consider it in a cold-hearted way like I'm just exhausted and clean out of love, #InMyVillainEra. Not the case! The heart posture I once had– no longer serves me though, so after 10 years of running that old program, led awry, operating outside of it does make me feel relatively heartless, but I know that's not the case.

SO WHEW! 1.5 years of writers block was for this story? I could literally feel my heart trying to tell it's story but I was so disinterested in exposing dirty laundry because I worried it would focus on implicating others more than addressing the heart of the matter.

Feel welcome to pray with your sister (I'm the sister) as I accept my convictions.

Also, if you're new, go check out my other posts, although old.. still fun reads!

I think of my writing style as fun lol

Until next time x. (hopefully sooner than 554 days!)