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It still feels like this blog needs to be reflective of perfect professional product.. but this is literally just a journal.

Sometimes you have to clock it to yourself that you're standing on business. Earlier this week, I went to the next town over to go visit a friend I had back in high school, and when I got. I sent a text before I left, it took me 30 minutes to drive there, and by the time I made it, I never heard anything back..

I can't say I was necessarily bummed... I drove around to familiarize myself with the area stopped at a coffee shop I'd visited before, and sat in the car eating snacks for a bit; a grace period –if you will. I thought well I'll sit here through two episodes of Attack On Titan and if I dont hear anything, I'll leave.

Well, halfway through the first episode, I had a realization. I realized that I had been in this position before, and I remember how much I regret being more open and available than I was.

One time, in 2019, I was being poorly courted by this charming young man at Florida State. I Similarly, I drove to go see him (which is a red flag in itself, I know, I know...).

He had plenty of time to prepare for me coming, yet I was asked to wait for 30 minutes to an hour and I DID. Silly, goofy behavior!

He's still a charming young man, but I know that my actions sent a message. Sent so much of a message that he still hits me up from time to time on Instagram after I gave him a piece of my mind and blocked his number. LOL. I don't know what specifically the message is, but I know there's an essence of 'I value his time over mine'.. which, from a manipulators POV, can bleed into several other implications about the type of woman I am.

So in the gas station parking lot, halfway through this AOT episode, a decision was made –HAHAHA– that I was going to finish this episode and that would be my cutoff time.

I kid you not, my spiritual fortitude was tested around this boundary.

The episode ended, I opened the Maps app to navigate towards my dads house, and *DING!*

"my bad, I went to my cousins house"

The frustration was deep, and to be clear, not toward him, but within myself.

I'm already here; I haven't even put the car in reverse yet; The episode literally just ended; I haven't even locked in the directions..

I took three quarters out of my coin compartment and tossed them on the ground in the parking lot.

Heads- I'll head there

Tails- Kiss my a**

I shook the coins in my hand and threw them all out at once and y'all... 😭 ALL THREE WERE TAILS! LOL

I texted back and said "No worries, enjoy your time with your family, I'll catch you some other time" and drove home.. and boy, I'm so glad I did because as soon as I got to my dad's house my sister came outside in her beautiful prom dress! I had no idea her prom was that day or that she was going this year (as a Junior).

With all that being said, it's going to be a LONGGGGG year. For the first 3-4 months, I haven't had as much temptation to compromise on my boundaries, and I am absolutely defining those boundaries as we go. I just know what I don't what this year to look like and when I'm faced with a situation I think we can either take this route or take that route. Which one has the most potential to go against my goals? And we establish the boundary from there. Skraight like dat!

I will say setting personal and professional goals for myself this year is challenging me in some pretty good ways! I'm not used to setting goals or plannning for my future and being consistently intentional about working towards certain improvements and one thing that has come naturally out of this experience so far is prayer. First I began with meditating on Jesus's death, then I began written prayers, and I would recommend that to any and everyone.

Like when I'm faced with any kind of emotion that's really eating me up inside, instinctually I'd want to call someone I love and spill my guts, or even do a video diary, and at some point it became clear to me that God wants to hear from me.

Or when my thought's race and I think of the song, eyes locked on the king.. and I just sit, and realllllllllly think about him. The thoughts that were tormenting me in that moment, felt insignificant when I considered them again.

But with that level of elevation, comes more crafty obstacles so consistency even when I told feel like I need that check-in is my challenge for Q2.